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Waldorf and Statler (another low note for the close of the month)

This week I found out that my very best, closest and oldest friend died. We’ve known each other since we were kids… 7 or 8 years old!

They say that when you share a close bond with a person you can finish each other’s sentences – we not only would finish each other’s sentences but we’d sit down with a notebook: I’d write a few lines, he’d write a few lines and pass it back… I’d write the next few lines and then pass it to him and he’d write a few lines… and like that we’d compose some crazy, crazy stuff.

One thing that I’ve been doing over the past few days is to re-read some of the thousands and thousands of chat messages between us. I was able to screen-shot about 400 limericks and poems and short stories. Coupled with the scans of our handwritten work I’m compiling a collection for his son. I want it to stand as a document of how a smart, playful and daring mind can work to express itself. As a parent I’m also keenly aware that sometimes you have to wear the ‘disciplinarian hat’ and it’s easy for children to be of the impression that their parents are “NO FUN!”

We were fun! We used to be fun. We used to be.

Now I have to confront the near constant urge to chat or text a message with a bizarre quip or a photo of some improbable agglomeration of unthinkable things … but having no one to send it to.

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Closing out the month on another low note

I remember reading an article “a while back”** in either GQ or Playboy (yeah – I used to read the articles in Playboy! One of my friends has been a contributor to Playboy on a number of occasions! No! Not as a photographer or as a Playmate… he’s an actual writer (as opposed to Mr Snuffleupagus over here…))

…Anyway the gist of the article was that cartoons in America HAVE TO dumb down the collective psyche (animated ones anyway). People won’t sit for 30 minutes of overly intellectualized cartoons.

I use that as my moral authority to keep all of my philosophical ideas unillustrated. I can also remember reading something a while back where Hegel discussed the necessity for methadone jokes to lubricate his serious works.


** The article was published over 27 years ago! …I’m so old.

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Back of the Envelope Ideas

… I keep finding remnants of 2020 everywhere I look. Here’s another sketch for a demented doctor (doctors get dementia too!) Please note that he goes through 3 different hair-styles as he kills his patient and laments.

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More Superheroes at work…

Did you ever wonder what was happening in your pool while you’re at work? Maybe its just the kid who cleans your pool… cleaning your pool.
….Maybe he’s using your pool to harbor (pun intended) exotic pets.

Make note: fire the pool cleaner…

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Technology isn’t always what you want

My best friend’s house was really beautiful. It had a grand piano in the living room with loads of sheet music on it. It was not just a prop – that piano got played at all hours of the day or night.

It got me to thinking: before phones and before laptops and before desktops and before television … and radio… the only way to entertain at home was to actually PLAY music.

It was a much simpler but a much more interesting time.

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“Serious” question

Who has the stomach for a month of jokes aimed at Chang and Eng?

… I never promised you a rose garden!

They are “the” Siamese twins (that doesn’t put them on my radar – I’m not actually a cruel person.)

They married TWINS and had like a zillion kids. What must their bedroom antics been like? (I’m still not cruel but ……..blip……… blip…….blip……)

They moved to NORTH CAROLINA!!!! BLIP BLIP BLIP BLIP BLIP BLIP BLIP BLIP BLIP BLIP!!!!


…anyway – my wife said that these are too far (even for me.) [Then again – we’re talking about the same woman who stopped talking to me after I let her read a short story I wrote about a man who finds a puppy. I think her exact words were “I can’t believe I married someone who is sick enough to THINK UP something like that and depraved enough to write it down for the world to see!…”]

Your thoughts are always welcome. I know you ain’t going to say $h!t but I’ll put the invitation out there for you.

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Quick Note: RIP Jackie Mason

I just heard that one of my comedic idols – Jackie Mason – has passed on from this life to work the next crowd.

When I was very young I saw “The Jerk” with Steve Martin; Jackie Mason played a snarky gas station owner “Harry Hartounian” (later in life I’d pay homage to that schtick with a similar pen name… later later!!!(waves/flutters hand)). His attitude, his tone, his timing – to a 6 year old it was completely unique. It was unique to the entire world – who knew? (Shoulder shrug)

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Unconscious Communication

I really hate these old ones. (Why do you share them?… I don’t know.)

Not because the idea isn’t funny – it is. That you’d ask a slightly bizarre question and get a completely unexpected answer makes me laugh. But the images are just so so so so so crap.

And yet – something like 30-40% of the people that view these like them. go figure.

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Meditation Heavyweight World Champion

… make that champion of the UNIVERSE.

(the trophy says “#1 with the Universe”. I couldn’t get the spacing right or make it look cool (as if that was ever an option.))

[“In the gardens of belief. Meditate us turn the key”
(Shouldn’t that be “in the gardens of belief meditators turn the key”?)
“A Play Within A Play”

Jon and Vangelis

(how infuriating – I double checked that lyric online and found out that the “official” line is not as cool as I had always heard it when listening to the song.)]

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To Punch The Face of God

Congratulations to Jeff Bezos on his successful mission to space. I applaud his courage and his enthusiasm to bring man to the heavens.

But I must really ask: who wears brown shoes to space???

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I still can’t remember

After yesterdays I thought I’d post this one. A real visual masterpiece.

I have NO IDEA what the hell I was thinking when I playfully implicated that these three symbols would decide to vacation together in what appears to be Hawaii. (I hope they’re having fun.)

That happens more and more to me these days. My favorite playlist is an acronym … but I can’t remember what it stands for and it is starting to infuriate me. “MCATIS”

Will someone please contact my subconscious and tap into my memory to find out and then tell me?

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Cairo-Practors

Another day/week another cheap shot and pun.

If you were looking for Kierkegaard – you came to the right place! (But on the wrong day… catch me in another decade when I go back to rereading all my Hong & Hong translations.)

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The Circle of Life

What this originally looked like was…

I think I like the one I drew on the back of an envelope better. But then again – what I think is not important. Fatalistic Yoga is about what YOU think. 😉

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Joe’s Garage

…or Ed’s Spa.

PART TWO – the REmix:

Here’s the original

And now – once again – with a custom font designed to enhance the ambigramishness of it all. (I’m refining the fonts all the time (when I have the time and the motivation on the same time and in the same place… which is rare when the Minions are running around the house.))

I don’t know what kind of treatments they offer at “edsspa” but I’m sure they are lovely.

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The Skeleton in my closet

Greetings from Chester! He’s the skeleton I keep in my closet. It COMPLETELY freaks out anyone that comes to look at the electrical box or phone lines. And that’s why I keep him there.


oh – he’s also the source of all my ‘Dark Powers’… I really wish they were useful for something OTHER THAN knowing that there is ice cream in the freezer.

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Far Above the World

Just a quick shout out to one of my all time favorite people in history (right up there with Kierkegaard and Patton) Sir Richard Branson.

(Cool looking uniform. Does it come in XXXXL?) (Maybe I’ll get just the sneakers…)



I watched as Sir Richard went into space and safely returned.

For the past few months I’ve been pondering this thinking that it was a waste of effort/a vanity play… maybe it’s a bit of a flex.

As I watched it dawned on me that I was witnessing the beginning of something special. This was the first time a ‘person’ (not an Astronaut – who are NOT the same as just people – they are much much more than just people) has : decided he wanted to go into space… devised a plan… hired a team… EXECUTED the plan… and went into space. (And came back.)

We are now going to see our first forms of art coming NOT from astronauts with Moleskin notebooks, but from folks like you and me. And THAT has me excited.

… I remember the first time I flew Virgin Atlantic to London; it was cool. The people were cool. The outfits were cool. The food was “ok” … there was a bag of ‘stuff’ waiting for me at my seat. There was Virgin Cola to drink (which I actually preferred to Coke for a long time! (finding places that stocked it was NOT easy.) There were video games to play on the seat-back display. It was an exciting way to spend 6 hours and change and I landed in London an inspired person who was ready to change his whole life around (and I did.)

[Even though the pen didn’t seem to work when I got back home, I still kept it on my desk!]

Just think about what a journey to see the Earth from space OR to see the Earth and the Moon as separate things from one another could do.

Where’s my checkbook?

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Back to the mind numbing stupidity

I wrote an elegy for a little boy who had died in the community. The headmaster of the school seemed shocked that I wrote it. Considering that it sprang forth from the same mind as the person who envisioned THIS monstrosity ⬆️ I can understand his amazement.

Sometimes I amaze myself. That isn’t always great.

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I state no facts

(Sorry – still no cartoons … well I have about 40 in reserve but they are heinous. Like – they make me question how I can be a husband, father, philanthropist and humanist …)

So – we are down to words

As the tag line states none are facts. The universe itself is temporary. All things in it are temporary. A priori thought is only temporarily eternal (the concept of the form of a perfect square can only last as long as the person thinking it).

Anyone selling facts is a fraud and needs to be ignored or mistrusted.

Do it. Don’t do it. Like it. Don’t like it. Right now is not the same as tomorrow or yesterday.

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I hate this sort of thing and I hate to do it

First – I feel badly about doing this – I’ve got my littlest Minion home with me while his sister is off in Shaolin learning to kick a$$ with the monks…

www.cnbc.com/2021/07/05/avoid-saying-these-words-and-phrases-that-make-you-sound-pretentious-say-grammar-experts.html

When I was a boy I was told that you shouldn’t start sentences with And or But. But sometimes it sounds better! And that’s all that matters when you’re trying to get people to read/digest/enjoy what you write.

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Honestly – Scott is a great guy

Scott or the person I portray as “Scott” is really a nice guy; very calm, very, very classy… contrary to this space, you could say he was ‘to the MANNER born’.

When I talk to him I feel like I’m the world’s crappiest client (letting my dirty filthy subconscious run wild like this doesn’t actually help). I never feel like I’m worthy enough to be his client.

He’s got clients that wear shoes with laces!

He’s got clients that own boats.

He has clients that don’t actively attempt to compose the most profanity laden sentence in history… and then send it to random people. (One reason that almost all of you reading are wise: you NEVER give me your email addresses! Thanks for that.)

Anyway – I apologize in advance for breaking that dear, sweet man’s heart by depicting him as an empty-headed, insensitive and ineffectual jerk.

And his mirror trading strategy was something I agreed to.

… you can put the gun down now – I already made it look like “I’m” the bad guy here… is this mic on? Is it capturing what I’m saying?…

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Deal or No Deal

I’ve been involved in thinking up, preparing and presenting business proposals for nearly 30 years. It is so ubiquitous in my daily life that I don’t always realize when it is happening.

I can however tell when they go all horribly wrong. I can tell you the dates and locations of all of those events.

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Once again – I love socializing

I love listening in on other people’s conversations. I love it because I love the idea of not knowing where the thoughts come from and not really knowing where they go.

I see people asking for serious help – but they are so blinded by their need that they don’t recognize that the person that they are asking simply doesn’t care. OR WORSE: the person you thought was a “friend” had their own agenda – and it didn’t involve you/them.

My advice to anyone watching is simple: run your own race. Be happy as the person you are AND/OR work continuously to be the person you see in your mind. If you get there or even if you only ever just attempt to get there, you won’t mind the snide remarks from people who can’t stand you.

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Jokes about Pros

Tasteless – I know.

I’m cleaning out the cupboard to make room for fresh ideas.

The next few days I’ll be scraping the bottom of the barrel. If you’re faint of heart or squeamish in any way, I suggest taking a few days off.

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Poor Gumby

At times like these we see why sometimes a good lawyer is what you really need.


….I never liked Pokey – I always saw his true nature.

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Taking a few days off to …

Taking a few days off to work on a few lingering projects. (Not fit for mentioning here!)

Let me leave you with something fun:


My son wanted to dress up as the BLUE Color monster for school…. Armed with the book, a crappy screen grab, some KT board and a utility blade I was able to do THIS.

How did I do?

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Life With Bob

…what if Bob Dylan was your friend.
… what if he had your telephone number and called you all hours of the day and night to try to help him understand the mundane aspects of life that you NEVER expect Bob Dylan to be connected to???

God – I’m shameless.

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Cultural Smash and Grab

I’m a huge fan of something I call “Cultural Smash and Grab”. Just like breaking into a jewelry store (I’ve never done that!) I like to think that I’m smart enough to throw a brick through the window of some standing structure, reach in with my one good arm and grab something of value (to me).

My wish, if I were entitled to anymore wishes would be to make THREE movies (one wish???) … THREE MOVIES!

1) would be my 60 second love story movie. That’s the one I keep showing people and they keep telling me that it is the worst idea that they have ever seen in their entire lives. Harsh!

2) would be “Also Ran” – I shared that in a post a few months ago.

https://tothespannerborn.home.blog/2021/03/08/also-ran/

And 3

3) would be to remake “Tommy Boy”, the movie starring Chris Farley as a clumsy and unwitting hero character… but I’d want to remake it IN CHINA – with an all Chinese cast and pretty much the exact same plot line and script.

For now I’ll be content with my smaller ideas – lack of respect and humility and all.

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More experimental stuff

As I have mentioned and you may have taken note of, I’m making some subtle stylistic changes. Don’t worry! Don’t worry: there are more crude and unusual jokes (I have about 50 of them that I am pretty much terrified of!).

This one takes a rough look at what it would be like to recast the ‘strong leading man’ type of role with a ‘vapist’. (Or are they vapers?)

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Impossible to understand

Sorry – I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel. I’ve been busy doing stuff for other people (like what?) [Like – you don’t want to know!]

I HAVE been making new stuff but I’m not going to lie, I’m not just shaking them out of my sleeve at the moment.

So – submitted for your (dis)approval: an and stuck to the side of a rollercoaster. What would that be like for the ant?

… I do actually think about stuff like that.

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Impossible to understand

Sorry – I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel. I’ve been busy doing stuff for other people (like what?) [Like – you don’t want to know!]

I HAVE been making new stuff but I’m not going to lie, I’m not just shaking them out of my sleeve at the moment.

So – submitted for your (dis)approval: an and stuck to the side of a rollercoaster. What would that be like for the ant?

… I do actually think about stuff like that.

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The Ring of a King

Behold – the cheap stock imagery. The vaguely altered purloined images… Mario is at it AGAIN!

Would Elvis ever wrestle Andre the Giant? IDK – how would we get Christopher Walken to referee?????

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Funny, I don’t remember requesting a password reset!!…?

I’m not sure if this is a good or bad thing, but probably the most terrifying words I read with any consistency are “UNRECOGNIZED PASSWORD”.

…all those apps and OS features designed to make keeping passwords safe and secure have one MAJOR flaw: they are merely idiot proof.

I am much, much more than an idiot.

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What makes me laugh

The things that make me laugh are varied but all linked by the connective tissues of irony and/or plausibility/implausibility.

Could this happen?

If it can happen – how humiliating would it be for everyone I know to see it happen to me?

If it isn’t likely to happen is the pay-off (the humiliation factor) so great that it is worth pushing the envelop of statistical probability to try to reach the point where it IS likely to happen?

Is it ironic?

If it happened in front of people would they instinctively think that I deserve this kind of humiliation?

If it didn’t happen in front of people, would the think it so humiliating that they would either be willing to believe it happened because it would please them or at least pitch it up against my track record of humiliating myself publicly to think “…yeah – he really did do that…”?

I guess what I’m saying is that the thing that makes me laugh is humiliating myself. That explains a lot about the past 40 years.

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Music to my ears

The fundamental reason I’m not really happy as a person (as though I might ever be happy as a coffee table!) is that I’ve never been what I wanted to be.

I always saw myself as an artist. When I made friends who were artists they would point me in the other direction and tell me that I was more ‘suit’able for business. When I was in the corporate world people would recoil every time I said anything because I was too free spirited and unpredictable “you know… like an artist…” so that wasn’t ever destined to work out.

About 20 years ago I was really struggling. I couldn’t keep down a job. I was able to find jobs and get them – but some of them only worked out for a week or so… one only lasted for 2 days. I needed help! I went back to my old school to speak to a career counselor. There I took a test to see what my personality was like and to match me up with other people that I was most like and then to find out what careers they were most happy in.

My top three matches:

1) airline test pilot
2) a person who arranges displays of food
3) a musician or actor who performs on stage.

I can tell you that I do NOT like turbulence (I’ve been through some SHOCKING moments!)

I actually DO like presenting food and have taken part in designing and producing about a dozen parties that hosted multiple hundreds of people… that was cool… but I was paying for the parties and after a while THAT kind of sucked.

Not gonna lie – I’d love to be a musician. But there are only TWO things that keep me from it: lack of talent and lack of practice!

… so now I do THIS instead!