To The Spanner Born

The caterpillar sat on a tall branch of an oak tree, lazily nibbling on a soft green leaf. He looked up for a second and got dizzy. “Oh my! Look at those clouds! And listen to that wind whistle and swirl – ‘sounds terrifying to me.”

Then the caterpillar made another miscalculation – he looked down. “My word! I’m a long way from the ground here! I’d better stay close to this tree for safety.”

Safety indeed. Just one second later a rather fierce looking eagle swooped down onto the very same branch, and in a most dramatic way. She stretched out her majestic wings – as wide as the whole world from tip to tip and then tucked them in at her sides. The eagle bent down to look at the caterpillar with great interest. Before any tension could form, the caterpillar spoke:

“Hello there eagle, how do you do?”

The eagle didn’t reply. Instead she moved the caterpillar around with the tip of her sharp sharp beak.

“Ahem!” (Clearing his voice.) “I say, HELLO THERE EAGLE! HOW DO YOU DO?”

The eagle sat up. “Please don’t shout! You do not need to shout – I’m not hard of hearing; I am studying you.”

“Studying ME? Oh – how flattering! Well there’s not so much to know about me… I was born several branches down… I crawled up here one day to find a nice leaf to eat and … well I never went back … why just the other day I saw…”

“Stop talking. Do you realize how much talking you do? What are you? Other than a creature who vocalizes every single impulse?”

“Oh – I’m a caterpillar! I…well… I crawl around and eat. Leaves, aphids … mostly leaves… aphids when I can find them… not especially nice – aphids, that is. Tiny little buggers really. They are so small you probably can’t even see them!”

”CAN’T SEE THEM?” The eagle bellowed angrily. “I’m an eagle! I can see EVERYTHING. I can fly so high in the sky that ‘YOU’ can not see ‘ME’… but I can see YOU! Eating your aphids, which I can see too. And then I swoop down, so I can eat YOU!”

“You really are a pathetic creature. Eating you will be a boon for humanity.” Mocked the eagle.

“But wait – wait wait wait wait… I can fly too.”

”YOU can fly too? That’s the silliest thing I’ve heard all afternoon. You have no wings. You have no apparatus whatsoever that you would need in order to fly. How precisely do you intend to fly? Magic?” Questioned the eagle.

“Well, if you give time, I can grow wings and transform into a creature capable of flying as high as you can fly and for distances much, much longer than you can. We could become friends in flight!” Offered the caterpillar.

(Coughing) “…I’m sorry – I must be too tired from all the high altitude, but I’d swear you just said that ‘YOU’ will change into something that can fly… THIS I have to see. Ok – I’ll bite (metaphorically speaking) – what do you need me to do in order to witness this (mocking voice) ‘great transformation’…?” Said the eagle.

“Just let me eat my leaves and my aphids and give me time. When you come back in a few weeks, I assure you, I will be different.” Said the caterpillar in a sure sounding voice (that didn’t give a single hint as to exactly HOW scared he was inside.)

“OK – it’s a deal. I’ll eat you… I mean MEET you here in two weeks and see how you fare in your bid for transformation. But I assure you – if I’m not sufficiently impressed with your flying skills… (tutting) pobrecito!!! Yum yum!” Said the eagle, licking her lips. And with one incredibly forceful ‘flap’ of her wings, she was off!

***

The caterpillar was relieved to have been spared. Then he was panicked because of the lie he had just told. Well, it wasn’t a “lie” it was more of a wives’ tale: that a caterpillar could grow wings and fly as high as any bird. How could that old story be true? He’d never spoken to any caterpillar that had actually done it!

This was going to end badly for him. He knew it. His panic turned into a mania of eating and eating and eating. He ate until he was a grotesque and bloated version of his original self. Too fat to crawl or even look for any more food to eat. It was then that instinct kicked in.

His cocoon started to form and the hibernation of the caterpillar began.

***

The eagle flew in to check in on her bet. “Funny – he’s not here. I think I’ve been tricked. Tricked by an insignificant little creature like that!… I’m going to find him. And when I do, I’m going to eat him. Not in one bite. In several. I’m going to make him watch his own demise, step-by-step. The eagle flew away.

***

Several days later the eagle returned. Again she was perturbed at how foolish she had been; letting a perfectly good snack just ‘crawl’ away like that… she should not have let him bet her. She should not have let the little green ‘worm’ challenge her regal nature.

Just then – out of the corner of her eye was a vision. A beautiful, jewel colored creature. Not like a bird, but able to fly. A lot like a worm – but with wings that seemed to float when they were totally still. And then the butterfly spoke.

“Excuse me, but are you looking for the nervous caterpillar that used to live here?”

The eagle replied: “Actually – I am! Have you seen him? We have a bet and I’m here to collect my prize.”

The butterfly laughed a little bit and said: “I guess you don’t recognize me! All of those aphids!!! I went on an aphid eating binge and then – BOOM! – this happened” with a flap of his wings.

Astonished, the eagle seemed unable to regain her senses. “So you mean, YOU are the caterpillar?”

”Imagine BOTH our surprise if I’m not one and the same… I am the caterpillar.” The caterpillar then flapped his wings softly and took flight around the eagle’s (still reeling with shock) head. “I guess you’ll be missing your snack today. Pobrecito. You must be VERY hungry from flying so high and circling so long to try to find me.

“Well – I’m more amazed than hungry. And right now, I am actually quite embarrassed; I had no idea you were capable of such a dramatic change! You really are/were/are an impressive creature… not just an insignificant worm.” Sheepishly offered the eagle. “I guess I need to recalibrate my understanding of how people can change.”

”You do! You really do!” Said the butterfly. “And I know JUST the person to help you.”

”Who is that?” Asked the eagle.

“ME!” Shouted the butterfly.

“My caterpillar pals don’t really recognize me anymore… and I could really use a friend. Maybe you could be my first friend?” The butterfly took flight again and flew up above the tall oak tree.

The eagle soared up above the tree in a majestic circle.

“Yes – I like that idea very much.” Said the regal eagle. “Friends in flight!”

… and they soared off together. Friends in flight.

(Slap!)

When my daughter was born my father told me something I’d had no idea he had any insight into. He said: “when your daughter grows, remember : all five fingers on your hand are different lengths because your hand would not work if they were all the same.”

Again – shocking insight from a guy with seemingly no education and almost no gentle guidance (to me) as a child. Nonetheless, it is piece of advice that I fall back on every single day. When you see children/people it is hard to think of them as unique entities; we see ourselves as unique (I see myself as unique) and we see others as run of the mill (I see others as run of the mill).

My daughter is not run of the mill. Her little brother is not run of the mill. They are both completely different characters. They both have aspects that are reminiscent of me or reminiscent of my wife – but the total presentation is unique. They are good at different things to each other and they need pushing at different things. They are both delightful to watch and interact with.

Once again – thank you daddy – I never saw things that way until you told me and I never knew you were watching so closely.

Teaching numbers to children is a weirdly terrifying thing. Here is the number “1” and here is the number “2” (oddly you never think to start with “0”) and then comes “3”…etc.

Then you attempt to rationalize the relationships between 1 and 2: “if you have one apple and I give you an apple you then have two apples.” And so on and so forth. You push that logic because, well, because it was how you were taught and because it seems to be foolproof.

[enters the fool, stage left]

Show me your first apple: 🍎

Now show me your second apple: 🍏

HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM!!!

You said that if I had an apple and you gave me an apple that I would have TWO apples… and sure there are more than ONE apple rolling around in my cart, but they are not really equal.

•••

They weigh the same – they are equal.

…one weighs .00000000000000000000000001 grams less than the other … NOT equal!

•••

They have the same circumference – they are equal.

…one is .00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001 mm smaller than the other. Not equal.

If you are baking a pie, they are equal!

If you are baking a pie for God or for a NASA scientist they are not equal.

•••

(We have cloned an apple!!!) They have the same color and even cells and number of seeds! They are ‘pretty much’ equal!

Not all of those seeds will grow into trees and not all of the trees from each of the seeds will produce the same number of apples … Immanuel Kant would say that they are not equal.

Beyond the reckoning of physical traits, beyond the analysis of their similarities as fruits we can’t get past the fact (yes, fact) that even if only by one atom or even one electron – they aren’t ever going to be equal. We are therefore only ever restricted to thinking of 1+1=2 as a hypothesis because it can’t describe physical quantities (in this dimension).

For own let’s leave it at 1+1=+/-2

Back to Newtonian Physics again. Maybe this is closer to Newtonian Physiology. What’s the easiest way to restore balance after years of abuse? Is it running 30 miles a day? No. That wouldn’t be practical. Is it a fad diet where you can only eat 1 jellybean for every hour on the clock, every time you hear a bell ring? No. (Though, I’ve done something similar to that before.) Why not just DO what you were alway supposed to do?

When an actor needs to gain weight for a role, they typically just ADD things to their diet that they wouldn’t normally eat: 2 hamburgers for breakfast with your oatmeal? SURE! Why not! After a few weeks the pounds will pile on.

When it is time to shed the weight they just go back to eating a normal diet and the weight goes.

Perhaps that is the same for all other things human-being? If you lack a mineral in your diet, you don’t want to overdose on it. Rather, you take in a normal amount until your levels build.

Same goes for sleep. And walking. (And sleepwalking? I dunno.) And meditating… (isn’t that just sleeping?)

So, for as many times as I’ve eaten an entire bag of marshmallows, I must remember to abstain from eating an entire bag (or really ANY marshmallows) for that long. 40 years with no marshmallows! Seems biblical!

It I just that simple. Everything that I did (that I shouldn’t have) I need to NOT do.

So simple.

So very very simple.

My shoulders have relaxed. Finally.

My dad isn’t a particularly eloquent person – not for lack of trying – words were not his thing; wood was his thing.

Dad made a fantastic career out of wood. He could tell all woods by sight and on at least one occasion that I witnessed, he knew the difference between two types of wood by feel. He was totally capable of hearing mistakes being made in his workshop based on the sounds coming from machines in use a hundred feet away or upstairs. He knew everything about wood…everything. Where it came from, wet or dry climate, the soils that the trees would grow in, when the lumber should be harvested and very importantly – how long it needed to dry to reach a stable moisture content.

That brings me to something he told me a long time ago. We were building a set of doors for a friend of his, a famous architect and academic (dad had an absurd number of acquaintances in the law, finance, politics, medicine … you name it. (hint: their offices had his handiwork!)) The wood was cypress and it was being used to make a set of bulkhead doors for a home: the architect wanted portholes in the doors. We had to leave a small margin for the expansion and contraction of the wood in the gap under the flanges that affixed the portholes to the doors. Noting the nautical theme, I asked if the constant presence of water would compromise the doors. Dad explained that cypress was good for outdoor use because it was a relatively stable in the wet (that’s why your deck chairs and tables are made from cypress).

That’s when he told me something I’ve never forgotten: when drying, “lumber has to be exposed to all four seasons before it can be used.” It has to experience hot and cold, wet and dry AND THEN dry before you can build with it.

At the time it, seemed like a simple statement about drying wood that was to be used to make a piece of furniture. 40 years later and many, many ‘seasons’ later I realized that he was talking about something more profound: there are things that I can do now that I simply could not have done 10,20,30 and certainly 40 years ago.

I personally needed to experience the fat years and the lean years, the growing years and the dying years, the happy years and the “Jesus F$$king Christ! When will this end?” years, before I could put the actions of the universe into any form of useful context.

Does it make my product stable? I don’t know. I still get caught by surprise at the way things pan-out (less so as I get older – every once in a while someone can sneak something past me!); dad was never surprised. With the exception of three or four things that I know of, he saw it all coming and took it all in his stride.

“A long long time ago – I can still remember how Newton used to make me smile. And I knew if I had the chance, that I could make them take a second glance. And maybe they’d be happy for a while.”

Alas, on the day Galileo died – Isaac Newton was born. As if to tell the world that the mantle of science would be upheld for at least one more generation! “Let Newton be! And all was light!”

Growing up, Newtonian physics went from an obscure set of incomprehensible rules to a body of simple notions, as easy to reckon as the need to look both ways before crossing a busy road.

Then – someone saw (or didn’t see) something in the shadows and Newtonian physics became as popular as prog rock in the post-punk era.

But why?

Why turn your back on the framework of how we explained everything from why your pencil rolls off your desk and how long it will take for your water heater to make enough hot water to take a 15 minute shower when it is freezing cold outside. But I guess that became the intellectual equivalent of Rick Wakeman’s cape or Carl Palmer’s hand-chased half inch thick stainless steel drum shells.

***

The point I really want to make is that there are still lessons of Newton worth knowing, chief among them:

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

It has a hint of Rene Descartes’ ‘there is no mountain without a valley’ and to that point it has an inherent simplicity to its first interpretation that I don’t think you can deny. Is it as sexy as a black hole? No, probably not. Do Newton’s laws work in a black hole? (I think they will.) However it seems like we stopped talking about Newtonian physics when we set foot on the Moon. {as if we would have made it to the Moon or back without Sir Isaac!} No, I don’t think Newton had anything to say about a black hole or a worm hole… perhaps if one had fallen on his head he may have done.

The real art to flying a plane isn’t the part that takes place at 37,000 feet… that is more or less just a computer guidance system and an automated avionics system.

The real art to flying a plane is in the take-off and landing! That’s where the pilot earns his money.

The fall from a place you are not prepared to stand is more damaging than the stress of a climb you are not prepared to make.

Each day I see people who ‘transport’ themselves to realms and heights that they and most others only dream of. They seemingly bypass those others who are dedicated to the climb (and not the selfie from the summit). They look with concern as the climbers fall. They feel nothing as some who fall resume their ascent or as others who have fallen remain down.

They are not connected to the process of climbing – to the process of strengthening their minds and their muscles by climbing. And they feel great satisfaction to be airlifted to a place few others ever get to see.

And then they fall. No harness. No training to cope with the fear of falling or how to grab hold of the ropes and cams left behind for just that reason.

Everyone descends their mountain; you can’t stay there forever. You can either take the same route down that you took on the way up or you drop at 32 feet per second squared.

After you get past the point where you hate them for being in your way

After you get past the point that you resent their use of resources that could be better spent on the young

After you go beyond despising all of the onerous and thankless things they’ve made you do

You get the the point where you feel sorry for them being scared and incapable of coping with a word that has changed in so many ways that you know they will never be able to adapt to

You get to a point where you love them

And then they die

I’m actually REALLY annoyed about my star rating. Did I mention that I always leave a tip? Did I mention that I have a whole ‘Carnegie Method’ derived line of questions that I use to start conversations with the drivers?

https://youtu.be/ltHvN4X2Lps

Did I mention the number of times that drivers have told me that few people ever ‘speak’ to them. Apparently most other riders just sit there, shouting on the phone or sobbing out the window. Indeed – I try to exploit the time with a person I’ve never met before by learning something new and I get what? 4.78!!! 95.6%

4.4% down the drain because of my curiosity.

I feel like Candace on Phineas and Ferb!

I just realized that my star rating on a popular ride-hailing app is only 4.78! I always make conversation with the drivers (because I’m always interested in hearing about who they are, where they are from and (ironic – I know – considering they are driving me someplace ) where they would like to go!

I’m a firm believer that these “gig” style jobs/apps are potentially the greatest medium available for people to meet and collaborate on new ideas so I always keep my ear to the ground in the event that I can either help a driver by sharing an insight or a contact. It would be a lie to deny that I’m also interested to find out if the random person sitting next to me is about to change the world with a new idea or product…

And for that level of engagement and curiosity I get 4.78!

…next time I’ll walk!

Today I caught the fragrance of the sea

While I was walking in a small arcade.

For just one second pressures could not abide

And for that second I was truly free

If I could put my feet into the sand,

And wash away the stresses of the world,

Then my fisted hand could rest unfurled

And I would be a whole, not half a man.

I walk from place to place and get nowhere

In search of something I may never find

Would I even know if I were there?

Would I be so smart to read that sign?

Today I let distraction dent my care

And then distraction left that smell behind

London –

The next person in Alexander McQueen sneakers to give me any lip will get a punch in the mouth…

And if you are reading it – you failed!