I have said again and again – these are NOT classy.
“You can’t read my poker face”
A song for all seasons
My wife and I were in Singapore, walking through the boutiques on Orchard Road. One of the stores had a large collection of fur coats and jackets.
FUR? It was hotter than Hades outside! And HUMID!
I asked the clerk in the store how many folks come into his shop – when it is so damned hot outside!?
His reply: “Sir, Singaporean women travel.”
‘suppose he was right.
Soft and Warm!
I remember a time I was walking across Copley Square – walking towards Neiman’s … there were a bunch of kids (younger than me = ‘kids’ ) were holding up pictures of foxes and minks that had been riven to shreds to make pelts.
One of them was finishing what appeared to be a Whopper from BK.
They were all chanting “FUR IS CRUEL! FUR IS CRUEL!”
I walked to the one with the burger wrapper in his hand. As he shouted “FUR IS CRUEL” I chimed in by saying “IT’S ALSO SOFT AND WARM!”
When the light is ON the donuts are FRESH
… well they are new. Not exactly fresh.
I still have all the Chang & Eng comics… but I’m STILL debating whether the world should see them. Haven’t they suffered ENOUGH?
Good News! (Or bad – depending on how you swing.)
I’ve finally got back into the swing of creating more humorous comics!
So that’s either good news for those of you who tune in because you like them or bad news for those of you who tune in to see if I ever hit bottom.
Seconds Out: Orange Crush
More from my cabinet of horological wonders. Now delving into my (so-called) cancer watches. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer six years ago I did what any normally paranoid person would do: I segregated myself from all of the talismanic objects I could. My t-shirts (how I initially figured out there was a problem in the first place) got put in a bag inside a box and then hidden in a case. All my watches and pens went into hiding …
From that point I decided to get all NEW watches and pens. These would be the ones that I used to see myself through. I bought the first cancer watch the same day as my diagnosis. A black Casio G-Shock… tough enough to be driven over with a tank – surely it can beat cancer. Also, as it is a “Tough Solar” model I see it as being something of an immortal watch. Handy when you’re looking for inspiration to not die.
I bought a box of Uniball pens that I used to take notes and write letters.
… and then there was Orange Nasty. Seiko SKX011-J (J stands for ‘made in Japan’/K stands for made in (Korea????) no: made anyplace OTHER than Japan!).
It seems like every time I get bored I buy an SKX011-J (actually more like an SKX… the color variants don’t matter. They are the first watch that pop into my head to do stupid stunts with. [Like the time I bought an SXK009-J, 15 min before leaving to go to Vietnam… and had it shipped to my hotel at the beach to see if and or how long it would take to get there. Apparently guaranteed next-day service still means NEXT DAY – even in the world of bored stupid stunts….]
… anyway. I get bored and I buy a watch. I wear it until I’m not bored anymore and then I give them to friends. The first Orange Nasty was purchased while recuperating from my bilateral mastectomy. The operation was a piece of cake! The post-op was a piece of cake. Not being able to move my arms for a week: THAT was tough… spending a month with drainage bulbs – also not very much fun. Going to the hospitals to have swollen effusions drained with a syringe that looked like a ‘Three Stooges’ prop – also not a highlight. Spending every second of the day looking over my shoulder wondering when doom was about to punch me in the face again – 👎 I do not recommend.
Deflect! Deflect! Deflect!
Here comes the FedEx driver with my box. In it was the first Orange Nasty. I wore it until I felt well enough to go home. Then I gave it to the first person to comment on it.
In 2020 I was kind of trapped for a few months (10 1/2 … but who is counting?) so I bought THIS Orange Nasty… same spec. SXK011-J… same seller, in Singapore.
A friend saw a picture of it and commented on it. Seeing as I wasn’t there to give them the watch I did the next best thing; I sent one.
Question: Do you even really “like” watches?
Answer: No – not really. They aggravate me. Mechanical watches are like needy personalities – always calling out for my attention. Asking to be wound. Asking to be worn. Asking for me to charge up the lume pips and then admire them glowing in the dark. “We’ll tell you what time it is when you wake up to pee!”
You’ll keep me awake thinking about all the time that’s ever elapsed and all the time that has yet to come and that will frustrate me even further.
Question: If you don’t like them – why buy so many?
Answer: D’uh – because I’m an addict! Because I’m serially bored and looking for that illusive “simple prop to occupy my mind”. Fortunately I have developed Fatalistic Yoga to clear my mind – it’s way way cheaper too! I’m not nearly as bankrupt as I used to be (fiscally or spiritually).
I’m half crazy
Sorry – I’m a big fan of low-hanging fruit.
Actually – my dad had a theory (I never tested it) that the sweetest fruit is that which the birds and critters go for first. His belief/understanding was that they were looking for sweet foods too and that they had some extra-sensory function that allowed them to hone in on it.
As of today my Minions are both back at school. Please allow me to dig through my notes of the past few months (jumbled,confused and angry as some of them may be) and cultivate a few pearls for y’all to enjoy.
There may be a few breaks in coverage but that’s only because I really don’t like to run with all text. If it were OK to run with all text I’d have enough to flood this page with crap from now until the next Big Bang.
Three Words that changed my day!
“I love you”??
No.
Trans Rectal Ultrasound
Yikes!!!!
Follow this space.
Arrested Development
I had a therapist break-down in tears while telling me that he was a compulsive gambler who had lost everything betting on college basketball games.
I was polite. I was concerned for him. I also did wonder how this was going to impact my wanting to jam my umbrella into the wheels of people passing by me on their bicycles… 🌂 🚴
I guess that was his turn to speak.
Car-tharsis
I had one doctor tell me that my brain was like the engine of a high-power sports car; capable of doing a lot of incredible things quickly, but not really that good for sitting in traffic.
Eventually the metaphor grew to encompass the need for specialized service to keep all the cylinders firing in the correct sequence.
Towards the end it was all about how if I took it for service anywhere else I’d prove my mother right by voiding my warranty and end up dying in a fiery crash that sent me straight to hell!
… oh well.
Hey Moe! Hey Larry!
I still feel like 1/2 of a comedy duo… yeah- I know there were THREE stooges.
While I was waiting … part two (number 2?)
What the deuce is taking so long for you to reply to my message?
Talk about an UNhappy camper
Apparently RJO selected this location to test his (so-called) “gadget” because his parents used to send him and his brother there to camp in the summers of their youth. (And people say that “I” hold a grudge!)
The Manhattan Project and the life of Robert Oppenheimer have long been sources of fascination for me. The peril and the challenge and the race to push theoretical physics out past its comfort zone.
I doubt that they were able to delude the scientists into thinking that this was a theoretical project – so they must have known that the four devices they made (four that I know of) would be put to use. What a terrible thought; to achieve the pinnacle of your life’s work and have it immediately and eternally linked to two devastating events.
Were the Bombs needed to end the war in the Pacific theater? Probably. Was there another way to achieve the same outcome? Yes – but not without killing millions more people. It was a rotten conundrum to wrestle with then and it is still a rotten conundrum now.
Perhaps if we are all lucky Einstein will be wrong; the next major wars will not be fought with atomic weapons or sticks and stones, but rather internet browsers and hacked credit card accounts instead.
Let’s hope that for our children.
Rehash 4
Pursuant to family crisis I’m rolling out these drafts…. I have new stuff but I’m not ready to put it into context yet.
Closing out the month on another low note
I remember reading an article “a while back”** in either GQ or Playboy (yeah – I used to read the articles in Playboy! One of my friends has been a contributor to Playboy on a number of occasions! No! Not as a photographer or as a Playmate… he’s an actual writer (as opposed to Mr Snuffleupagus over here…))
…Anyway the gist of the article was that cartoons in America HAVE TO dumb down the collective psyche (animated ones anyway). People won’t sit for 30 minutes of overly intellectualized cartoons.
I use that as my moral authority to keep all of my philosophical ideas unillustrated. I can also remember reading something a while back where Hegel discussed the necessity for methadone jokes to lubricate his serious works.
** The article was published over 27 years ago! …I’m so old.
Back of the Envelope Ideas
… I keep finding remnants of 2020 everywhere I look. Here’s another sketch for a demented doctor (doctors get dementia too!) Please note that he goes through 3 different hair-styles as he kills his patient and laments.
Technology isn’t always what you want
My best friend’s house was really beautiful. It had a grand piano in the living room with loads of sheet music on it. It was not just a prop – that piano got played at all hours of the day or night.
It got me to thinking: before phones and before laptops and before desktops and before television … and radio… the only way to entertain at home was to actually PLAY music.
It was a much simpler but a much more interesting time.
… and now the THRILLING conclusion to our three part series: “Why can’t he just draw stick figures???”
Reminds me of the time I got dysentery while reading Darwin: survival of the $hitest
Quick Note: RIP Jackie Mason
I just heard that one of my comedic idols – Jackie Mason – has passed on from this life to work the next crowd.
When I was very young I saw “The Jerk” with Steve Martin; Jackie Mason played a snarky gas station owner “Harry Hartounian” (later in life I’d pay homage to that schtick with a similar pen name… later later!!!(waves/flutters hand)). His attitude, his tone, his timing – to a 6 year old it was completely unique. It was unique to the entire world – who knew? (Shoulder shrug)
Follow-up to yesterday
… still looks like crap…
Unconscious Communication
I really hate these old ones. (Why do you share them?… I don’t know.)
Not because the idea isn’t funny – it is. That you’d ask a slightly bizarre question and get a completely unexpected answer makes me laugh. But the images are just so so so so so crap.
And yet – something like 30-40% of the people that view these like them. go figure.
Meditation Heavyweight World Champion
… make that champion of the UNIVERSE.
(the trophy says “#1 with the Universe”. I couldn’t get the spacing right or make it look cool (as if that was ever an option.))
[“In the gardens of belief. Meditate us turn the key”
(Shouldn’t that be “in the gardens of belief meditators turn the key”?)
“A Play Within A Play”
Jon and Vangelis
(how infuriating – I double checked that lyric online and found out that the “official” line is not as cool as I had always heard it when listening to the song.)]
Speaking of “Dark” Powers
Here’s another cheap shot that I had to look at three times to remember exactly who or what I was aiming my japes at.
Cairo-Practors
Another day/week another cheap shot and pun.
If you were looking for Kierkegaard – you came to the right place! (But on the wrong day… catch me in another decade when I go back to rereading all my Hong & Hong translations.)
OUT with the bad thoughts – IN with the good!
I have been doing that thing: deep breath for 3 seconds. Hold for 3 seconds and then exhale for 3 seconds.
It actually feels really good.
Then I feel like a genuine prat for intentionally taking 9 seconds to breathe.
The Circle of Life
What this originally looked like was…
I think I like the one I drew on the back of an envelope better. But then again – what I think is not important. Fatalistic Yoga is about what YOU think. 😉
The Skeleton in my closet
Greetings from Chester! He’s the skeleton I keep in my closet. It COMPLETELY freaks out anyone that comes to look at the electrical box or phone lines. And that’s why I keep him there.
oh – he’s also the source of all my ‘Dark Powers’… I really wish they were useful for something OTHER THAN knowing that there is ice cream in the freezer.
Back to the mind numbing stupidity
I wrote an elegy for a little boy who had died in the community. The headmaster of the school seemed shocked that I wrote it. Considering that it sprang forth from the same mind as the person who envisioned THIS monstrosity ⬆️ I can understand his amazement.
Sometimes I amaze myself. That isn’t always great.
In other news …
After years of nakedness – Stretch Armstrong finally has a new pair of shorts… pictures at 11.
I state no facts
(Sorry – still no cartoons … well I have about 40 in reserve but they are heinous. Like – they make me question how I can be a husband, father, philanthropist and humanist …)
So – we are down to words
As the tag line states none are facts. The universe itself is temporary. All things in it are temporary. A priori thought is only temporarily eternal (the concept of the form of a perfect square can only last as long as the person thinking it).
Anyone selling facts is a fraud and needs to be ignored or mistrusted.
Do it. Don’t do it. Like it. Don’t like it. Right now is not the same as tomorrow or yesterday.
Cleanliness is next to Enlightenment
This never actually happened.
This will cost me 1/2 of my regular daily viewers.
By guys! I’m sorry. I’ll miss you both!
Jokes about Pros
Tasteless – I know.
I’m cleaning out the cupboard to make room for fresh ideas.
The next few days I’ll be scraping the bottom of the barrel. If you’re faint of heart or squeamish in any way, I suggest taking a few days off.
Taking a few days off to …
Taking a few days off to work on a few lingering projects. (Not fit for mentioning here!)
Let me leave you with something fun:
My son wanted to dress up as the BLUE Color monster for school…. Armed with the book, a crappy screen grab, some KT board and a utility blade I was able to do THIS.
How did I do?
Cultural Smash and Grab
I’m a huge fan of something I call “Cultural Smash and Grab”. Just like breaking into a jewelry store (I’ve never done that!) I like to think that I’m smart enough to throw a brick through the window of some standing structure, reach in with my one good arm and grab something of value (to me).
My wish, if I were entitled to anymore wishes would be to make THREE movies (one wish???) … THREE MOVIES!
1) would be my 60 second love story movie. That’s the one I keep showing people and they keep telling me that it is the worst idea that they have ever seen in their entire lives. Harsh!
2) would be “Also Ran” – I shared that in a post a few months ago.
https://tothespannerborn.home.blog/2021/03/08/also-ran/
And 3
3) would be to remake “Tommy Boy”, the movie starring Chris Farley as a clumsy and unwitting hero character… but I’d want to remake it IN CHINA – with an all Chinese cast and pretty much the exact same plot line and script.
For now I’ll be content with my smaller ideas – lack of respect and humility and all.
Impossible to understand
Sorry – I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel. I’ve been busy doing stuff for other people (like what?) [Like – you don’t want to know!]
I HAVE been making new stuff but I’m not going to lie, I’m not just shaking them out of my sleeve at the moment.
So – submitted for your (dis)approval: an and stuck to the side of a rollercoaster. What would that be like for the ant?
… I do actually think about stuff like that.
Impossible to understand
Sorry – I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel. I’ve been busy doing stuff for other people (like what?) [Like – you don’t want to know!]
I HAVE been making new stuff but I’m not going to lie, I’m not just shaking them out of my sleeve at the moment.
So – submitted for your (dis)approval: an and stuck to the side of a rollercoaster. What would that be like for the ant?
… I do actually think about stuff like that.
The Ring of a King
Behold – the cheap stock imagery. The vaguely altered purloined images… Mario is at it AGAIN!
Would Elvis ever wrestle Andre the Giant? IDK – how would we get Christopher Walken to referee?????
What makes me laugh
The things that make me laugh are varied but all linked by the connective tissues of irony and/or plausibility/implausibility.
Could this happen?
If it can happen – how humiliating would it be for everyone I know to see it happen to me?
If it isn’t likely to happen is the pay-off (the humiliation factor) so great that it is worth pushing the envelop of statistical probability to try to reach the point where it IS likely to happen?
Is it ironic?
If it happened in front of people would they instinctively think that I deserve this kind of humiliation?
If it didn’t happen in front of people, would the think it so humiliating that they would either be willing to believe it happened because it would please them or at least pitch it up against my track record of humiliating myself publicly to think “…yeah – he really did do that…”?
I guess what I’m saying is that the thing that makes me laugh is humiliating myself. That explains a lot about the past 40 years.
Friday on my Mind
And this has happened to me.
But WHO CARES? It’s Friday!!! The week’s half over!
Follow the Leader – He’s on a Honda!
I’m old enough to remember people turning their nose up at Japanese cars… I’m also old enough to remember how the first few early adopters that I knew laughing at everyone else because they kept their cars for decades and hundreds of thousands of miles!
I’m worldly enough to have driven in Chinese made cars. People Stateside are probably very dismissive of Chinese cars. Chinese cars 15 years ago – yeah – dismiss them. They were junk. Chinese cars today??? Mmmmm I don’t know. Some of them are pretty nice. Point of fact – no one is going to bother to design a car with obsolete features and functions! If you’re making a car today, you make TODAY’S car.
I’m also very very lucky to know a bunch of people who design cars (as a kid the one thing I always talked about was designing cars! My much younger self would have been well chuffed to know that his older self would know folks who make cars!). These guys are very slick and very sophisticated.
….what does any of this have to do with long-term relationships?
I
D
K
Channeling Morrissey
I get messages from the beyond. It is always the same sort of thing: I ask “Am I doing the right thing?” And all I ever hear back is laughter.
Stress! It’s What’s For Dinner!
Sometimes it feels like all my kitchen can produce with any consistency is STRESS! Stress sandwiches for lunch and dinner. Stress cakes for breakfast. Bacon and Stress on weekends. For a midnight snack I can sneak into the larder to spread a bit of stress on a pita bread.
I need to lay off all the stress.
I think I’m going to switch back to chocolate!
Ah, the wonders of the English language!
This has been one of my favorite jokes for the past 15 years. Of course – it doesn’t translate into text – it’s a spoken word jam at best.
I’d tell people “you remind me of the riddle of the ass!” …’ you mean “and the two bales of hay”…’ to which I would quickly and deftly reply. “NO – two halves and a hole (whole)!”
… look – I KNOW! I KNOW! I never said I was Noam Chomsky!
(Maybe ONCE I said I was ‘like’ Noam Chomsky…)
Random Stream of Consciousness
I was on the phone with a friend. He’s not a big believer in what I’m doing (that’s a scary proposition because HE is the dreamer and I am usually the practical one!)
This came to me while we were on the phone. He doesn’t know that this is out (not a lot of my friends (none really) ever look at these.)
…he couldn’t understand why a porpoise would be a peristalsis poster animal. I suggested that a penguin would be worse for hygiene reasons. Apparently he didn’t understand why peristalsis needed a spokesperson. That’s a valid point. I’ll get back to you on that later.
To The Spanner Born 