I guess he was hungry for something BEYOND Beyond Meat?

I guess he was hungry for something BEYOND Beyond Meat?

Dear Tracy,
I’m sorry that you high-handed me at the shopping mall while you were walking with all of your friends last Saturday. I want you to know that I’m a much more mature person than you are and that I have added you to my nightly prayers.

It isn’t that I don’t celebrate “Pi” day. I just celebrate it on July 22nd.
22/7
22over7.com

Not sure why but sometimes these (very technical poems) can be very easy to write.
Sorry if this has a ton of mistakes… the guy that I used to run these by is still very deceased and irreplaceable.


On this day in history the market for the Semper Augustus Tulip collapsed and ended the first financial bubble in recorded history.
Apparently the gap created by the collapse of “Tulip Mania” left people with enough free time to search for other speculative activities to park their money in.
NOT one of mine! (I wish!)

File under Kelley and Sheats!


My daughter said that one of her friends at school was upset – telling her that he’d just been kicked out of his band.
I told her to tell him to form a NEW band called “FU to my old band” and then write a song called “I hope you all die in a bus accident!”
Fortunately she didn’t listen beyond telling him to form a new band!

What do you want – this stuff comes to me in my dreams (lucky for y’all that I only sleep 3 hours a night!)

… no class… I know – I never said I had any.
This is what the images should have looked like from my post “I feel a palindrome coming on…”


… sail on Olias!
This is a really short story that was embedded in a chat message to a friend.
And YES – I know there are errors… it was written more or less in one continuous string of words…


I used this on a friend on a video-call… it had exactly this effect.
After checking an email and a few other things I saw THIS message from the beyond!


I’ve never tried one – and I’m sure I wouldn’t like it if I did.
Here’s one from the vault and one for the road.

I’m sorry folks. Apparently I used the same cartoon TWICE (with two different sets of copy)… though to my credit both subconsciously reference back to Kubrick’s “2001”.
I can’t believe my editor/writer/artist and quality control person (all me) could let that happen… I’m as incensed as I am saddened by this breech of basic blogging etiquette.


Apparently Senator Schumer was confused; actually he just used GEICO to save a bunch of money on his car insurance.

Standing in line to wait for my son at school; this came to me!

Sorry to break the silence (been busy with stuff that isn’t funny… nothing bad – more like ‘work’ (I hate that word!).)
I just read something that hit the nail on the head of how I’ve felt for a while. (Keep in mind, what I JUST read was originally written 5 months ago… I’m a slow readr.). Responding to the latent “Cancel Culture” and it’s attacks on everyone from Rocky and Bullwinkle to Dave Chappelle, “Childish Gambino” aka Donald Glover made (and then deleted) some posts on Twitter. The parts that struck me were:
“Saw people on here havin a discussion about how tired they were of reviewing boring stuff (tv & film),”
“We’re getting boring stuff and not even experimental mistakes(?) because people are afraid of getting cancelled,”
YES!
I wrote a piece that I never got published about the role of satire in the healthy development of a mind, a person AND a community. People need to feel safe enough to explore all of their thoughts – even the really stupid ones.
NO!
I’m not advocating that everyone acts on their first inclination towards violence or hatred.
BUT!
I don’t actually believe that a sane/competent person can have opinions for or against a subject without at least taking their thoughts right up to fulcrum where the fundamental issues reside and spin.
AND!
There are people who are eagerly wringing their hands with unimaginable delight at the idea that American society is in decay. The fact that everyone has the right to express an opinion has been weaponized and finally used to suppress those opinions. Those people are laughing because the saw it coming and think that they were able to deftly avoid the same problems by way of unifying thoughts and deeds.
AGAIN!
When we are eliminating hatred for people based on their color or religion or how they like to dance in public – that IS a good thing. But when we mandate that you can’t make fun of people for dancing in public – that is a terrible thing.
I learned my racial tolerance in a two-fold way: 1) I was raised in an extremely diverse city where from one year to the next there could be influxes of people from different parts of the world. On the playground we were not ‘black’ or ‘white’ – we were just children and as long as you didn’t condone dancing in public you could play kick-ball with us.
2) I had a home life that was guided by my parents who were keenly aware of the snide remarks that people made at them when they first arrived in America in 1955 (that’s not actually ‘that’ long ago if you think about it in the context of music… anyway.) My mother and father didn’t like being made fun of and I didn’t like that they felt ‘less than’ anyone else. When my first inclination was to return the favor and persecute OTHER people who were different, they stopped me. But they also SHOWED ME that making someone else feel bad isn’t going to make them or anyone else feel better in a lasting way. The only way forward was and still is to take people as they are.
There HAVE been situations where I simply didn’t like a person. But I didn’t decide to widen my circle out to target everyone who came from that same country or county. My angst began and ended on an individual level.
I’ve also poked fun at people who are very, very close to me because of their dancing and their sexual proclivities. But that was always only people that I knew extremely well and NEVER as a means of achieving some kind of weird dominance over a situation.
I’m circling round and round here…
What I want to say is that if you don’t like Dave Chappelle then I think you need to tell him that. I’m pretty sure he’s mature enough to understand that it is part of the social contract. But don’t cancel him. I happen to love his work. It makes me laugh most of the time. It makes me cringe some of the time. And occasionally (because I study the things that comics say) it makes me sad to listen to. His most recent monologue on “Saturday Night Live” was painful to listen to in parts because it was true. People with power exploit and exploit and exploit and deplete and then they dispose of. Dave Chappelle is simply fighting back by getting paid – let him get paid! Let him fight back! His words are not those of a role model… but his blue-print for ‘flipping the bird’ to the entire system IS something that we can adopt and use for our own means.
If we don’t have that ability to make fools of ourselves by saying stupid things or by busting out our best “Saturday Night Fever” moves at a wedding we can’t ever learn. The people with the power will simply point the cancel cannon at us and we’ll be gone. POOF! Back to my desk, jockey numbers on a spreadsheet, pretending I really give a crap about hedge funds.
(NO – I haven’t seen his latest special yet. I won’t watch it because I find it offensive.
Kidding!
Look at where I live; stuff like that is a slow grind to get hold of. And that slow grind is brought to you by the people with the power of the cancel cannon.)







Part of the problem with decentralized work arrangements is that when you don’t all drink from the same water-bubbler you can’t share insights about what you’re working on.
Clearly if the two authors of these stories had had 5 min to chat about their current list of topics neither one of them would have been so shocked.

Is it just me or is it ‘fun’ to see when the OTHER PERSON will finally go under the sink and pull out another tube of toothpaste?
(this is like leaving exactly 1 sheet of toilet paper on the roll)
I’ve got to say – I’m not prepared to get old. Life isn’t what I thought it would be when I was 20 years younger.
For one thing – bed isn’t what I thought it would be. Last night before turning over to go to sleep my wife asked me a really provocative question:
“Are we using a drying agent in the dishwasher?”
I guess it was the idea of sheeting that got her going.


… the time-stamp is really freaking me out.
I’m not going to edit this at all so that the number can stay true.



My son’s school had a small event for parents today to open their “Edible Playground”. They’ve inaugurated a full time garden that all of the students will take time each day/week tending to.
There was a large sign commemorating the event with pens for the parents to write something to pass on to the children.
My inscription was as such:
”The fruits of youth are nourished with the sweat of old age”
I suppose I could have written something ‘kind’ instead… I think by the age of 5 and a half he knows that daddy is marching to the same drummer as the other moms and dads.

Is it me or are these pictures smaller? They look smaller when I create these posts. That’s a hassle for me – I can live with that. If they are smaller for YOU that’s not good at all.

It should be “gentle” not gentile!!! Oy!!!!
…and “bittered” not Blittered!!!


Chocolate milk – check!
Tear down / rebuild vintage – check!
He asked me the names of some of the tools and if I had them. When he realized that I do have them, I realized that I need a better lock on my cabinet!
WOSTEP here he comes !


I woke up this morning to find that comedic Norm Macdonald has died.
Again – this is tough to convey in writing (but I’ll try). As a funny person (or so I’m told) I am always on the lookout for new and original insights to share with people around me. The goal is to say things that no one has said (you hope) and get a laugh from people (you hope). While the insights are as fresh and new as possible – you can’t help being influenced by people who impress you and that you admire.
That list of people consists of names like:
Jackie Gleason
Jerry Lewis
Don Rickles
Robin Williams
Jacky Mason
Mitch Hedberg
Albert Brooks
Steve Wright
… so so many more that I’d love to list (but to get to the point)
Norm Macdonald is/was a huge influence.
A lot of times ‘straight’ people (not about people’s preferences in the romance department – but rather a designation for people who don’t color outside of the lines) who listen to Norm Macdonald jokes don’t find them funny. On paper they aren’t traditionally funny. They are weird and quirky and require a little latitude to stimulate disparate synapses in the users brain to find them funny.
Another aspect to Norm Macdonald’s comedy that defies conventional logic is his timing. Again, on paper, his timing was a train-wreck – his delivery was all pauses and verbal hedges… but when punctuated with a visual cue like a goofy look or an eyebrow gesture or a shrug of the shoulders – hilarious!
One of the things that made Norm a fearless comic was his willingness, perhaps eagerness to bomb or at least TRY to bomb. He’d tell jokes that were not funny. They weren’t meant to be funny – they were verbal padding to his next joke or the next joke after that. Just in the same way a pitcher in baseball will throw several seemingly misguided pitches to a waiting batter, Norm will set-up a performance one pitch at a time until he can finally get you to bite on something slippery (hehehehehe) and then he’s got you.
Watching routine after routine after routine of his I was able to learn that jokes are not just random words arranged for comedic effect: they are in families. Through his work he demonstrated the craft of technical joke writing at its finest. Perhaps the best illustration of this was his quest for the ‘so-called’ perfect joke; a joke where the wind-up and the punchline are virtually identical.
”Julia Roberts told reporters this week that her marriage to Lyle Lovett has been over for some time… The key moment she said came when she realized that SHE was Julian Roberts and that she was married to Lyle Lovett.”
Of course any 5 year-old can be MORE economical than that and just say a word or phrase that is funny in a particular setting. And get laughs… but that’s not a joke and it’s not joke writing. It isn’t striving to perfect a craft.
Another thing I’d like to point out about Norm (as though I knew him!) was his final performance on David Letterman. For his final appearance on the soon to be closed Letterman show he came out and did a a new set. Then to close it out told his favorite LETTERMAN joke (from when DL was a traveling stand-up comic). The most important part about his set wasn’t his material or Dave’s material – it was the fact that he got choked-up telling the final bit. That image has stuck with me.
…I’m not going to tell THAT joke – but instead one of his ‘complex’ jokes.
(I nicked this from The Sun… thanks guys!)
****
From an appearance on Conan O’Brien (another comedic genius!)
****
During his interview with O’Brien, Macdonald tells a joke about a moth who sees a podiatrist.
“What’s the problem?” the podiatrist asks.
“What’s the problem? Where do I begin? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long, I work. Honestly, doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows.
“He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there… at night I…I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm,” the moth says.
The insect adds: “A lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexandria, she fell in the…in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us.
“And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch… I no longer love him.
“As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I… that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror.”
The moth continues: “If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps…perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and ends this hellish facade once and for all.
“Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good.”
And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?”
To which the moth replies: “Cause the light was on.”
*****
Norm – you are already missed.

I have to say – the last time I tried to IMPLANT something into my HEAD it wasn’t advised. And I’m 100% sure that it voids your warranty.
Sorry to drop in unannounced
But this JUST popped into my head and I typed it as it came to me.
***
Emissaries of Nature
Man is pitiable but cute – so much scarcer than the ants.
They move terrain to harness winds
To create their fruited plains
To create their monuments
To congratulate themselves
For thousands of years of craft logic and skill
…you are no match for natures passionless emissaries
They work a tireless feat to reclaim all the bounty of her womb
Through Fire
Through Wind
Through Rain
And through the shifting of the Land
Each has it’s own logic and skill – unknown to Man
Moving from High to Low in every case
To cleanse the char of fire
To redirect the mighty winds
To force water through a valley
Where none has ever been seen.
To force a valley onto land
Where none has ever been seen.
***
You harvest timber from the skin of the land
To build small features there in which to dwell
I send fire to burn it to the ground
And till its meat back into the land.
You build your buildings and your boats
In the shadows of ‘thousand year’ rains
I send rain for 10 – 10,000 years
And suck your trinkets into my belly.
What man can build
Wind can deflate
From a parking sign to a tower
And if the wind can’t finish its job
The plates from underneath rift open
And swallow the entire lot WHOLE back to my furnace.
Men ARE clever. They do the best they can with what they have.
They need to rejoice in their victories
But pay heed to my passionless flow
For even the Gods of their logic and skill
On their final day of reckoning
Call on WHO to do their work?
The Fire
The Water
The Wind
And the shifting of the Land.

One of the downfalls of hunting in packs is that you’re only as good as the weakest link in the chain.
Sharks probably play cute pranks on each other… when they’re not apex predatoring.

Two of my greatest disappointments with movies are:
1) That the greatest ‘think piece’ movie I’ve seen in years is “DRIVE” with Ryan Gosling. Grrrrrr
And
2) That the last horror movie that really freaked me out was “8mm” with Francis Ford Copela’s nephew.