Another mercurial day in the Emerald City
“ boundless and bare”
NOT one of mine! (I wish!)

File under Kelley and Sheats!
Insipid Statement

… no class… I know – I never said I had any.
More fighting inside the War Room
I’m sorry folks. Apparently I used the same cartoon TWICE (with two different sets of copy)… though to my credit both subconsciously reference back to Kubrick’s “2001”.
I can’t believe my editor/writer/artist and quality control person (all me) could let that happen… I’m as incensed as I am saddened by this breech of basic blogging etiquette.

Reconciliation too from 2 to three dimensions

And a Child(ish) Shall Lead The Way
Sorry to break the silence (been busy with stuff that isn’t funny… nothing bad – more like ‘work’ (I hate that word!).)
I just read something that hit the nail on the head of how I’ve felt for a while. (Keep in mind, what I JUST read was originally written 5 months ago… I’m a slow readr.). Responding to the latent “Cancel Culture” and it’s attacks on everyone from Rocky and Bullwinkle to Dave Chappelle, “Childish Gambino” aka Donald Glover made (and then deleted) some posts on Twitter. The parts that struck me were:
“Saw people on here havin a discussion about how tired they were of reviewing boring stuff (tv & film),”
“We’re getting boring stuff and not even experimental mistakes(?) because people are afraid of getting cancelled,”
YES!
I wrote a piece that I never got published about the role of satire in the healthy development of a mind, a person AND a community. People need to feel safe enough to explore all of their thoughts – even the really stupid ones.
NO!
I’m not advocating that everyone acts on their first inclination towards violence or hatred.
BUT!
I don’t actually believe that a sane/competent person can have opinions for or against a subject without at least taking their thoughts right up to fulcrum where the fundamental issues reside and spin.
AND!
There are people who are eagerly wringing their hands with unimaginable delight at the idea that American society is in decay. The fact that everyone has the right to express an opinion has been weaponized and finally used to suppress those opinions. Those people are laughing because the saw it coming and think that they were able to deftly avoid the same problems by way of unifying thoughts and deeds.
AGAIN!
When we are eliminating hatred for people based on their color or religion or how they like to dance in public – that IS a good thing. But when we mandate that you can’t make fun of people for dancing in public – that is a terrible thing.
I learned my racial tolerance in a two-fold way: 1) I was raised in an extremely diverse city where from one year to the next there could be influxes of people from different parts of the world. On the playground we were not ‘black’ or ‘white’ – we were just children and as long as you didn’t condone dancing in public you could play kick-ball with us.
2) I had a home life that was guided by my parents who were keenly aware of the snide remarks that people made at them when they first arrived in America in 1955 (that’s not actually ‘that’ long ago if you think about it in the context of music… anyway.) My mother and father didn’t like being made fun of and I didn’t like that they felt ‘less than’ anyone else. When my first inclination was to return the favor and persecute OTHER people who were different, they stopped me. But they also SHOWED ME that making someone else feel bad isn’t going to make them or anyone else feel better in a lasting way. The only way forward was and still is to take people as they are.
There HAVE been situations where I simply didn’t like a person. But I didn’t decide to widen my circle out to target everyone who came from that same country or county. My angst began and ended on an individual level.
I’ve also poked fun at people who are very, very close to me because of their dancing and their sexual proclivities. But that was always only people that I knew extremely well and NEVER as a means of achieving some kind of weird dominance over a situation.
I’m circling round and round here…
What I want to say is that if you don’t like Dave Chappelle then I think you need to tell him that. I’m pretty sure he’s mature enough to understand that it is part of the social contract. But don’t cancel him. I happen to love his work. It makes me laugh most of the time. It makes me cringe some of the time. And occasionally (because I study the things that comics say) it makes me sad to listen to. His most recent monologue on “Saturday Night Live” was painful to listen to in parts because it was true. People with power exploit and exploit and exploit and deplete and then they dispose of. Dave Chappelle is simply fighting back by getting paid – let him get paid! Let him fight back! His words are not those of a role model… but his blue-print for ‘flipping the bird’ to the entire system IS something that we can adopt and use for our own means.
If we don’t have that ability to make fools of ourselves by saying stupid things or by busting out our best “Saturday Night Fever” moves at a wedding we can’t ever learn. The people with the power will simply point the cancel cannon at us and we’ll be gone. POOF! Back to my desk, jockey numbers on a spreadsheet, pretending I really give a crap about hedge funds.
(NO – I haven’t seen his latest special yet. I won’t watch it because I find it offensive.
Kidding!
Look at where I live; stuff like that is a slow grind to get hold of. And that slow grind is brought to you by the people with the power of the cancel cannon.)
In Memoriam Norm Macdonald

I woke up this morning to find that comedic Norm Macdonald has died.
Again – this is tough to convey in writing (but I’ll try). As a funny person (or so I’m told) I am always on the lookout for new and original insights to share with people around me. The goal is to say things that no one has said (you hope) and get a laugh from people (you hope). While the insights are as fresh and new as possible – you can’t help being influenced by people who impress you and that you admire.
That list of people consists of names like:
Jackie Gleason
Jerry Lewis
Don Rickles
Robin Williams
Jacky Mason
Mitch Hedberg
Albert Brooks
Steve Wright
… so so many more that I’d love to list (but to get to the point)
Norm Macdonald is/was a huge influence.
A lot of times ‘straight’ people (not about people’s preferences in the romance department – but rather a designation for people who don’t color outside of the lines) who listen to Norm Macdonald jokes don’t find them funny. On paper they aren’t traditionally funny. They are weird and quirky and require a little latitude to stimulate disparate synapses in the users brain to find them funny.
Another aspect to Norm Macdonald’s comedy that defies conventional logic is his timing. Again, on paper, his timing was a train-wreck – his delivery was all pauses and verbal hedges… but when punctuated with a visual cue like a goofy look or an eyebrow gesture or a shrug of the shoulders – hilarious!
One of the things that made Norm a fearless comic was his willingness, perhaps eagerness to bomb or at least TRY to bomb. He’d tell jokes that were not funny. They weren’t meant to be funny – they were verbal padding to his next joke or the next joke after that. Just in the same way a pitcher in baseball will throw several seemingly misguided pitches to a waiting batter, Norm will set-up a performance one pitch at a time until he can finally get you to bite on something slippery (hehehehehe) and then he’s got you.
Watching routine after routine after routine of his I was able to learn that jokes are not just random words arranged for comedic effect: they are in families. Through his work he demonstrated the craft of technical joke writing at its finest. Perhaps the best illustration of this was his quest for the ‘so-called’ perfect joke; a joke where the wind-up and the punchline are virtually identical.
”Julia Roberts told reporters this week that her marriage to Lyle Lovett has been over for some time… The key moment she said came when she realized that SHE was Julian Roberts and that she was married to Lyle Lovett.”
Of course any 5 year-old can be MORE economical than that and just say a word or phrase that is funny in a particular setting. And get laughs… but that’s not a joke and it’s not joke writing. It isn’t striving to perfect a craft.
Another thing I’d like to point out about Norm (as though I knew him!) was his final performance on David Letterman. For his final appearance on the soon to be closed Letterman show he came out and did a a new set. Then to close it out told his favorite LETTERMAN joke (from when DL was a traveling stand-up comic). The most important part about his set wasn’t his material or Dave’s material – it was the fact that he got choked-up telling the final bit. That image has stuck with me.
…I’m not going to tell THAT joke – but instead one of his ‘complex’ jokes.
(I nicked this from The Sun… thanks guys!)
****
From an appearance on Conan O’Brien (another comedic genius!)
****
During his interview with O’Brien, Macdonald tells a joke about a moth who sees a podiatrist.
“What’s the problem?” the podiatrist asks.
“What’s the problem? Where do I begin? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long, I work. Honestly, doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows.
“He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there… at night I…I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm,” the moth says.
The insect adds: “A lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexandria, she fell in the…in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us.
“And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch… I no longer love him.
“As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I… that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror.”
The moth continues: “If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps…perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and ends this hellish facade once and for all.
“Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good.”
And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?”
To which the moth replies: “Cause the light was on.”
*****
Norm – you are already missed.
Three Words that changed my day!

“I love you”??
No.
Trans Rectal Ultrasound
Yikes!!!!
Follow this space.
A New Diet!

I’ve been trying a new diet for the last 10-12 days. No food until 6pm. Before that, any time I feel hungry I have a shot of espresso, a small glass of orange juice and then 500ml of water.
So far I haven’t lost any weight. (Why is that?)
As an example: last night just before I was ready to SNAP and start kicking people I had a double whopper, 4 chicken drumsticks, 4 zucchini fritters, 2 large pita breads and 4 tablespoons of hummus.
… and now the THRILLING conclusion to our three part series: “Why can’t he just draw stick figures???”

Reminds me of the time I got dysentery while reading Darwin: survival of the $hitest
Dear Dairy (Diary)
In case you couldn’t already tell, my weight is a constant source of interest for me. I keep a few different paper journals of my food intake and my moods and my weight (please note – I don’t take it very seriously because I don’t COMBINE THE THREE!)
One very telling post from the other day read: “I guess chocolate cake is NOT my secret weapon in the war against obesity!”
(Those are kilograms – not pounds! 😦

… and that’s why these glum, portly characters beset my thoughts.

In fairness to myself – I’m not actually that dumb.
(I’m DUBMER!)

Time Guys

Those of you who know me know that I’m perplexed by time. I’ve always been confused by it or in awe of it.
There IS time. Obviously – we experience it. We even witness it. But there is a whole other way of looking at time that renders it totally false. (“This guy is an idiot! I can’t believe I subject myself to this humiliation!”… sorry – that was an extract of my wife’s diary. … I meant to indicate that you think I’m full of $h!t. Opinions differ! So do the number of days in the month of February!)
If you’ve ever met me one of the first things that will draw your attention away from my bear-like proportions are the number of watches I’m wearing at any given time. Always at least one. Generally two. Not strange for three. Four? Sure! Five has been done, as has six. Six was the practical limit.
When asked why I wear so many watches I always say the same thing: ‘they all do different things’… and technically they do. I try to synchronize them but after a few hours they are all back to doing their own things.
If I were to try to synchronize my watch(es) adequately it would take an eternity. Literally.
Feeding My Gut

If you know me. If you’ve looked at 2 or 3 of these you will know that I’m an idiot. I really have no sense of self-preservation.
I got it into my head that the reason I am so grossly overweight is because my gut organisms are not functioning correctly. NOT because of the volume and quality of the food that I eat (sometimes the quality is quite high, but the volume is always over to the “you MUST be kidding me?” Side of the scale). So I decided to ‘feed my gut’ I did zero fasting (‘feed’) took a bunch of apple cider vinegar pills every day and doubled-down on probiotics.
My mood DID improve.
My weight improved too! It improved by +30 pounds!!!
This is the story of my entire life

If I were meant to be a gymnast, I’d be shaped like a gymnast. If I were meant to be a soloist in a ballet company, I’d be shaped like one.
Instead I got through life shaped like a person that a gymnast or a soloist would call to belly-but their refrigerator off of a balcony so that they could watch it crush a car.
I am as God made me.
Does anybody remember laughter?

Sorry, I initially forgot to say something witty about this.
First and foremost, the guy with the backpack is me. Proud to get everything I need for a flight (1 hour or 18 hours) in a backpack. Sadly, I don’t focus to much of my effort on getting “ME” into one seat on a plane. I kind of take up one and a bit seats. That’s ok when I’m flying with my family – I can just invade my son’s seat a bit. When the person next to me isn’t a relative it isn’t much fun.