(This is a test. No wrong answers)

Joseph “Giuseppe” Grossonaso was born in July 5th, 1978 at Mount Ida Hospital, Brooklyn, New York. Joseph was born via caesarian delivery when it was determined that his head – more specifically his nose- would not pass through the birth canal naturally.

His mother and father both beamed with pride at the sight of their newborn son. He was 8 pounds and 9 ounces, 21 inches long… his nose was 2 pounds even and 3 inches from the tip to his brow ridge.

“This boy will go on to do great things! He will be a success!” his father declared with a tear steaming from each of his eyes and dripping down his own, rather large, facial protrusion.

***

Pepino’s infant and toddler years were unremarkable, save for the inordinate number of times he stubbed his proboscis on things. In some ways it acted like a cat’s whiskers do – warning him of potential intrusions and pointing out where things were. You could say that light hit the tip of his nose a few moments before it made it to his eyes.

Grade school was a painful ordeal for pepino. The other children picked on him constantly and hurled any number of unflattering names at him. In time he became used to the harassment and Pepe was soon able to deflect them with the flinch of his neck.

Pepe would go home sullen and cry. His father and mother both knew it was hard for the boy to go through life with the dorsal fin of a shark drooping off his face. But they knew that was how God made him and that there must be a special reason for him to have such a tremendously huge ‘shnazola’!

When Pepino hit his teenage years he began to develop a curious skill – he could smell things! He could smell very small things – from bizarre distances. He could smell his mother open the salt shaker in the kitchen, all the way from his bedroom… upstairs… with the doors closed… and the windows open!

He trained his nose with certain sniffing exercises too. Placing drops of oils and esters around the house, he was able to make mental maps of where each was and became adept at visualizing each ones placement. These routines progressed to more and more different scents and their placements became more obtuse – but his nose never failed him. Soon he could smell certain flowers in distant bouquets and determine their numbers in relationships to the other flowers in the arrangement. At his grandmother’s funeral he could tell the exact number of ‘Baby’s Breath’ buds in an arrangement of Lillie’s and roses from the porch outside of the funeral home. Everyone who witnessed these olfactory displays was duly impressed.

Pepino trained his nose more still. He got to the point where his friend Rodney could put small drops of chemicals in a bucket of water with a lid on it in the basement and Pepe could detect them from the attic.

THIS was Joseph’s gift and his parents agreed that he needed to follow his nose into the only field that could make use of it…

***

The Perfumeries of Paris

Pepino arrived in Paris and was almost immediately in great demand from all of the perfume makers. He spend his days testing the most subtle and complicated blends of fragrances and soon established himself as the biggest ‘nose’ in the business.

One day Pepino was called into his bosses office – the big man himself: Marcel Provone. (Marcel was no slouch with his beak. It is said that he could estimate, down to the ml the amount of tea in a person’s cup just from the scent from across a room!). “Pepe – we have a special job for you. The boys over in Langley need to have you accompany one of their agents on a dangerous mission. You will be used to determine the authenticity of a scent. You will not know the scent in advance or how it will be used….”

“A new chemical???” Pepino sparked up to ask.

“No, nothing that sophisticated. Apparently, instead of using code words to identify each other – Langley wants the agents to wear scents that fit the profile of their covers and missions. You will sit with the agent – at a distance. You will pick up the scent and tell them. They will tell you when to fall back and come home.”

Pepino was slightly crest fallen that it wouldn’t be more thrilling – but he was proud to have his nose picked.

***

A week later, Pepe met agent Livgren. Livgren set it out for him. The counter agent would wear a specific amount of a specific fragrance on a specific part of the body – he had to tell him what everyone was wearing so as to authenticate that agent’s identity.

They went to the park and took their seats on park benches about 20 meters apart from each other. And they waited.

A man passed. “He’s slathered in ‘Canoe’…tons of it… all over his neck and upper chest!” He announced down his microphone.

“Not it” was the reply through his earpiece.

A woman with a dog passed. “…’L’air du Temps’ and not much of it. And it has gone stale and funny. She’s had it too long and isn’t storing it correctly… probably on a vanity or changing table that is exposed to direct sunlight for perhaps 4 hours a day…”

“Not it” was the call down the earpiece.

Finally, a young woman with a shopping bag walked past. “Hmmmmmmm. ‘Manifesto’ by YSL. Only two drops. And on the right ankle. It is muted by the high denier of her hosiery – but I’m certain of it!”

“Talk to you later Pepe! Head out!”

Joseph returned to his laboratory and never heard from agent Livgren again.

***

Five years later, he received an anonymous parcel at his desk. In it was a small lapel pin shaped like a triangle – labeled: “Becco D’oro”.

His work was done and it was a success.

(Written sometime in December 2014/January 2015)